Today was one of those days that really makes me question why I do what I do. I'm not superhuman. Why can't I remember that? What makes me think that I can be everywhere, and be everything that every body needs me to do?? It seems like I constantly put my bodily needs second (or third or fourth!) to the needs of just about anyone else I know. In this case, I can't even blame it on anyone else. I forgot to get my car inspected... then I forgot again, and again for 4 months. I should have had it done in July- it's now November. AND I've been ticketed for this before-- you'd think I'd learned my lesson! So a co-worker informed me over the weekend that I had a head light out, and I knew I could put it off no longer. I was lucky, really, to have escaped detection so far anyway. But the only time this week I could have it done was today at 8am. 25 minutes away from my house. OK fine. I get up at 6 to get the kids ready for school, and the bus comes @ 6:53. But today, I also had to be in Claire's class as a parent helper from 9-10, and then the 2 younger kids had half a day, with bus around 11:30.
Now with gardening season winding precariously close to an end, and still quite a few bulbs to get in the ground, I need to be getting my hands dirty, pretty much every day. This is the last shot at getting ahead until next spring, and I somehow managed to not get any of the things done that I had earmarked the money for. So, basically. I had to garden today.And I had to work in hell, from 4 until midnight. So here I am, exhausted, but inspected and dirty. I guess I have no right to complain, it's just that I don't do well on 4 or 5 hours of sleep, and it makes it nearly impossible for me to deal with the trials and tribulations that occur in everyday life. I just don't have the patience, or the stamina, or the self control... whatever it is, I don't have it. It's kinda like being drunk- it really is. I can totally focus on the task at hand (probably over focus), but if anything jumps into my way, there's no doubt in my mind I'm going to hit it, and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it. Today, it was Sam. He jumped in my way not once, but about 40,000 times. And I hate to yell, I really do, but OMFG please stop!! No matter how I tried to explain the error of his ways, and what he could do to make it better, that fresh lip just kept sticking itself up in front of me, begging for it. I suppose it shouldn't surprise me, but after the day I'd had, I felt like I was the only one entitled to misery. Apparently I was wrong. And if I'd thought my day was bad, it was nothing compared to what it would become after an hour of trying to convince the little devil to just TRY to be a productive member of society, just for a LITTLE while. It all seems silly now, really, that I couldn't just walk away and be the bigger man. I really wanted to get my point across and to see some sort of epiphany in his eyes, some realization or revelation or whatever, and all of a sudden his behaviour would be that of a little angel. I realize, of course, that this is ridiculous, but again with the being drunk. So it ended up being a lose- lose situation, until Mike stepped in and said I should leave the kids with him while I went to garden- he would put them to work stacking wood. HALLELUJAH! I got over the guilt and went-- very late-- to my jobsite. By the time I got home, it was like a whole new world. Wood pile neatly stacked, and starting to amount to something resembling enough wood to last the winter, but best of all- Sam, the little angel. Not only had he stacked wood, he had CLEANED his room (the root of most of our arguments for the last several weeks!!). Now, his room isn't perfect, but he made a great, big, huge start on it. And he seemed to have a much better attitude about it- which is really all I want anyway.
Attitude is everything, I just don't see why the kids can't see it as clearly as I can. And even though I can see it, why can't I change it in myself or inspire them to change??? We are the only ones that can change our attitudes, and it takes much more will than I have on a day like today. But it won't stop me from trying again, and hopefully it won't stop the kids either.
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